Sunday, 29 November 2015

Someone once likened me to a Casio watch: sturdy and reliable.

Sturdy; a word no woman wants to be anywhere on the list of descriptive names for her.   I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry.  But in all honesty, there has been much terrible things said to me, and thus followed the sturdy comment was a barrage of compliments, a beer, a coupon for a free pass to stealing the duvet and a very puppy dog eyed look.   They soon learn...

Why do you never see baby pigeons?

Before I went away this summer, I noted that those who knew me best knew that I had to get away and disappear and it seems apparent that those same group of idiots that chose to associate with me know that I found coming home particularly difficult this year.   I was not ready to leave.  I wish I'd stayed longer and fought off this little black cloud that appeared the moment the pilot announced "Welcome to London Heathrow it's 9:30am and... 6 degrees outside." Apparently shouting "Is this some sort of sick joke?" isn't acceptable on a tired packed plane, but did make the weird bearded sleepy man next to me chuckle, after an awkwardly silent 9 hours sat millimeters from each other. Fortunately this was our only interaction for the entirety of the flight, I was far to preoccupied watching Indie films about love, romance and friendship and sobbing into my bread roll and weird looking chicken.  Whilst he pretending, like the rest of the aisle to ignore my sobbing and cocoon himself in what can only be described as the worlds flimsiest blanket and itchiest eye mask.

I had the best summer of my life and met some incredible people, blah blah blah.  I did though, you won't believe me and won't 'get it' because you were there or don't give a flying monkeys arse but it's true.  There's a really angry 12 year old inside me that's pining to repeat my life all over again already. Maybe not all my life, who really wants someone else wiping their arse? I take that back, that would indeed be a welcomed luxury.  I've had a total of 1 adult tantrum since I've been home, in my own company, that involved looking at holiday photos, getting really angry and stomping my foot.

This Summer I got to spend time with my beautiful family over the pond in Canada Land.  I thoroughly enjoyed taking sleeping photos of my cousin and she thoroughly enjoyed poking me and keeping me awake so I couldn't nap.  I had the best birthday up the CN Tower in Toronto in the revolving restaurant and will be making sure my next trip there isn't in the not so distant future.

I got to come home and meet my second beautiful goddaughter, Sophie, who is such a cute little munchkin and got straight back into nappy duty! (Thanks Ellie..!!)  I find myself saying things like "Leah wasn't like this when she was a baby" or "I don't remember so much crying, sick or shit?!" Turns out all babies are basically the same and it's an inevitable cycle that happens all again, but glorious to watch another cherub blossom.  Leah now at school and breaking my heart at how grown-up she is.   I got a serious telling off that I had been away for so long, I guess 4 months is a long time when you're only 4!!

I've been back two months now and unfortunately the mundane repetitive life of work and pleasing my fans has meant that most of the adventurous delights of my summers in the USA seem like a distant memory.  Apart from the Strip Club night for a pre-birthday extravaganza in LA, which I'm sure I can still smell faintly and no sure I will ever be able to erase from my memory.  Thanks to the team that set that up. Pass the sick bucket.

As most are probably aware, I will emotionally be dropping off my little Peugeot 206 tomorrow at the car sales garage and be picking up my new car.  Total mixed emotions whilst continuously reminding myself it is a mere scrap of metal and thus has zero fucks that I am disowning it.  Time for a new chapter.

I have of course grown another year older since my last post but since my return to the UK have still managed to make disgustingly stupid life decisions on lots of fronts.  Although I gave up alcohol for a good month which was both rewarding, cleansing yet boring and unnecessary.  So actually that can't be counted as good life decision either. Well I'm not doing very well at this am I?

Anyway, I, as-per-usual don't actually have anything interesting to say so I'll be off now.

For now,

Sunday, 7 June 2015

"Don't talk about yourself, we'll do that after you leave."

Well, it has certainly come round quickly, on Monday 8th June, I head back to the U.S of A to see some faces I have missed incredible amounts and have another grand adventure.  I finished work last week which was both delightful and sad, turns out I did really enjoy going to work after all, I genuinely got to hang out with some fantastic people.  I got the most amazing leaving gifts, but the most amazing gift were the kind words that were said to me throughout the day and the lovely messages of luck and sadness at my departure.  I know there's the typical "bye have fun, good luck, we'll miss you" messages everyone gets when they leave, but I was really touched by some of the thoughtful and personal messages that were written to me.   I've met some great people in my time already, all over the globe, just imagine all the fantastic people that are out there waiting to be found.

I'm starting to get heart palpitations when I think about not seeing some faces so often, or being able to just pick up the phone and pester them.  Trouble is, everyone that knows me understands I need to disappear again even if they don't actually want me to go and I think that is nice because they've all spun me around, slapped me on the arse and shouted "go get 'em kid".  Albeit both metaphorically and literally some times..

I've done a million and one jobs this week and some extra jobs like when my exhaust fell off and my life nearly exploded - I was less than best pleased.  But it's funny how unorganised I've been this year in comparison, as last year I was leaving Uni and moving home so it required me to be fairly organised.  I say it's funny, but actually it's starting to stress me that I'm not as organised but that must be a good thing right? My suitcase weighs significantly less than last year which I think is a sign of experience and knowledge, not the fact I've forgotten everything? Yeah, I'm not convinced either...

Not entirely sure I can start to reel off the goodbyes, sort of because I don't feel like I'm genuinely leaving and therefore the goodbyes aren't actually goodbyes. I've done my goodbye hugs and been fairly surprised that me, the emotional wreck that cries at the John Lewis advert every year, hasn't bawled her eyes out. I know a lot of ridiculously fantastic human beings which have made my life, since I returned, a true delight so thanks.

I come back at the end of September, I'm sure you'll all be primed and waiting with intense excitement and ear plugs for my return.  I will of course try to keep this updated way more regularly than I've posted on it recently with tales from 'over the pond' on my adventure and travels.  I will of course let you all know how my pet chipmunks FiFi and Frank are doing a year on and keep you updated with 'look how many freckles I now have' photos.   I genuinely feel so lucky that not only am I getting to go spend time with like minded interesting people, getting the opportunity to travel and experience lots of different things but I also get to return to a whole bunch of fantastic things and people.

So, here goes, to the next adventure with fantastic people, glorious weather and  pictures to make you all green with envy.    I wish everyone the best time over the next 4 months and can't wait to hear all your news too.

I will miss a select few of you dearly, the others mediocre amounts and some of you I stopped caring about years ago..


Friday, 17 April 2015

I farted in a lift and it was wrong on so many levels.

Did you see what I did there with the title? Geddit?

Someone kindly directed me towards a quote the other day which was exactly what I needed, he's a wise chap, one of those people who is completely unaware of the power of his own mind.  One of those people you just know will succeed at whatever their doing because they have this innate ability to please people and be generally wonderful!

Here's the quote:  Remember, it's your job to look for something cool in everyone you meet; it's not their job to show you.  This is life, not a fucking sales convention. Learning to appreciate people you meet is a skill you cultivate. So get on it. This doesn't mean you have to fall in love with everyone who breathes in your direction.  It just means you need to take responsibility for your ability to connect with the people you are meeting.

I've heard so many people say recently "it's a horrible world we live in" yeah, you know what,. sometimes it is horrible, ghastly and atrocious.  What these people forget is that it's also absolutely amazing and beautiful, filled to the brim with people willing to help strangers, do nice things for nice people, people like you and I. I'm bored of hearing all the bad things people have to say, I've listened to (and done) enough moaning  to last me a life time, people who haven't experience said nice things are people who often forget that it even exists out there.  I guess it's totally our job to find something cool in the people we meet, however I've come to find there's people adamant of finding the shit stuff. Hey, go ahead, but you're setting yourself up for sadness mate.

So I finally got to announce the news that I think 99% of people I know were expecting anyway, and what I had pretty much decided when I landed back at Heathrow last September - I will be returning to the U S of A for another summer filled with my favourite faces and chaos, followed by great adventures.   I've also got an extension on my plan and will be FINALLY seeing my wonderful Canadian family at the end of September! My 23rd birthday will be spent in Canada which is mega exciting.

One of the things I have to sort out before I go is my medical form completed by my doctor.  It's simplistically a tick sheet detailing if I'm infectious, mentally stable and when I had the jabs to make me not die.  SIMPLES. NO, apparently not.  Twice I went to pick it up having been told that it was ready and TWICE it wasn't filled in.  Not only is there instructions ON the sheet, which is just a tick sheet, but I wrote out instructions and gave it with them! TWICE! TWICE!! How utterly ridiculous! These doctors been to university for 5 years, and I have the utter most admiration of the work they do, but what the heck! How, how, how have you failed so epically at a 5 minute job maximum! I'm not impressed, even less so with the face that I'm paying for the blinking privilege too!!

The other day I was in Tesco and a small child ran out of the biscuit isle and into my path, I stopped abruptly, wearing my disgruntled 'can't you see I'm important, busy and in a rush' look which I shot towards the mother.  She then looked at me, almost into my soul and said "Say sorry to the Lady, you're in her way".  I forgave her for any wrong doing she may ever incur at that moment. She called me Lady and it brought a ridiculous amount of joy in to my life.  At that point she deemed that I was worthy of the 'lady' and not 'girl' title .  Unbeknownst to her, I don't have my shit together enough to be called Lady but I totally thanked her with my forgiving smile and polite "oh don't worry, was in a world of my own ha ha".  Thank you wise wise sweet woman.

"But to me, you're my fourth emergency service" I thought this was comical and emotionally gushy all at the same time.  How sweet that someone deemed me as something/someone so significant, they'd put me on their emergency contact list.  Also puts a lotta lotta pressure on me to answer my phone...

TALKING OF MY PHONE.. The grand inevitable happened and in a split second I saw my life (phone) flash before my eyes as it tumbled off the marble side onto the hard wooden floor with a mere bounce and chink.   I smashed my screen and I wanted to curse the world out.  I have the nicest nicest friend ever and he's promised to fix it if I get the kit to sort it out. Yes technically savvy people!

Shout out to Sir Jonny Senior for being life coach and his attractive running man photos.  Not sure what I'd do on days when I didn't want to gym and you tell me I can do it, in a "move your fat arse" kind of way. But also on the days when I need you to tell me I'm generally amazing and I tell you that you got this. Word bro.

6 weeks today I leave work and 7 weeks Monday I leave HIP HIP HURRAH! THANK FUC...

For now,


Monday, 2 March 2015

He was standing on his head and I was left balancing on one leg panting like a dog.

I go through fits and spells of thinking my life becomes quite dull and uneventful and just as I'm wishing for something dramatic and spectacular to happen, well something ridiculous and silly happens.  I've given up tempting fate and now just spending my life prepared with tissues, my diary and of course, a safety pair of spare pants. 

So, it's officially March now and I have to admit I do have reason to be happy.  March is three months into the year and therefore all those naff people who made the typical excuse to get fit are starting to trail off at the Gym.  I will not bore you with endless gym stories, because we all know that really just isn't how I roll.  But it's a hub of humour for me, I was on the treadmill the other week and the lady next to me was working hard, you go girl.  Except a little too hard and she farted, hey, don't worry we've all been there it's a sign you're working hard, you go girl.  Except, it wasn't just a fart, yeah you're ahead of me, she had to stop the treadmill, tie her jumper around her waist and waddle to the toilets, you... go... girl..?  I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard, screw the exercise- I burnt the most calories laughing!  The smell wasn't great, bless her she must have been ill.  I went into work and told the story and a colleague was like "but how did you know she'd shat herself", I looked him dead in the eye "there's only one time in your life you walk like a penguin, go bright red and head for the door making ZERO eye contact, that woman had royally shat herself.".  I hope whoever and wherever she now is, she tells her half of the story with as much joy as I tell my half but I doubt it very much.

My other favourite story was from the other morning, there's a few familiar faces that merely do the awkward grunt acknowledgement at 6am to me now, which is heart warming, and this bloke is one of them.   I'm there on the matts doing my thing, he comes over *awkwardly nods, smiles and makes that awkward 'morning' noise that totally is not a word and just comes out like a high pitched 'mmmm'*.  We're both in secret competition as everyone at the gym is, he's doing crunches, I'm doing sit ups, he's doing press-ups and I'm planking.  He's slowly upping his athletic game and I'm doing my best to hide my, what can only be described as, best impression of a severely beaten up sun-dried tomato look.   This bloke, absolute machine can I add, then looks at me and says "can you do this?!" GAME ON SIR, what are you bringing to the table? Oh yeah, you're going to stand on your head..? Oh look at you go, you're doing a handstand and then you're doing a press-up withyour own body weight, upside down, like 20 times. Oh yeah, demonstrating both incredible balance and insane strength. Yeah you're right mate, I have neither of those things.  What should have happened next was me politely laughing, gasping and complimenting the great achievement and skill. That of course is what should have happened next, but the fact I'm a complete moron isn't in that sentence.  So, I look him proudly and boldly in the eye and say "I've got great balance too..!", proceed to stand up (with GREAT difficulty), pick my pants out of my arse look directly in front of me and slowly and gracefully lift one leg behind me.  Slowly but surely, I was there, one leg in the air, arms flailing everywhere shouting "I had it a minute ago, I had it a minute ago... hang on.. hold on.." MUCH to this blokes amusement.  There I was, showing off my gym skill, balancing on one leg. To say I elegantly balanced on one leg for 30 seconds would be a massive overstatement. I sheepishly bounced around whilst panting for a maximum for 20 seconds before collapsing. 

I got a round of applause and a celebratory high five, didn't stop me feeling like a complete chump though...

But sometimes you need to wobble on one leg in front of stranger to know it's okay to be yourself. 
Even if that 'self' doesn't behave like a normal person!

For now,

Sunday, 1 February 2015

I wonder how many calories people burn jumping to conclusions.

February is here and BAM...bus? No, just the next page on your calendar and another month closer to Christmas.

So my news, January got off to a cracking start and seems to be flowing nicely into February, I of course say this optimistically but today as the 1st of Feb has gone exceedingly well.  I've done basically nothing, I've slept more than I feel like I've slept in years and I changed my bed sheets. If that isn't a successful day then hit me on the head, call me Clive and throw me outside because I don't know what is.

Went out last night with Adam and Eloise for his last goodbye dance the night away shindig thingy. He got a job playing Pepper in Mumma Mia for Royal Caribbean Cruise ships and will be off on Feb 10th for his adventure for 8 months.  We're going to miss him terribly but it's such an amazing opportunity and I'm so mega mega proud. I will just add that I actually helped him for this role and practiced his script with him and therefore crediting part of his accomplishment to me, quite duly. Here is us being absolutely casual: 

I also had my beautiful Goddaughters 4th birthday in January and got to attend her Princess party which was pretty darn cute. She's so funny, such a little madame and character and when everyone jokes about what their kids will be like when they're 16 it's not a joke for me.  I think she's going to be the coolest person I know when she's 16 and I hope I'll be a pretty cool Auntie too. I also hope she still lets me blow raspberries on her belly and laughs uncontrollably claiming she hates it but we'll see..

So I also got to see some of my favourite friends from across the pond and he brought me a lovely note from those he couldn't bring.  It honestly made me well up, I know I go on about the people I met last summer and how amazing they were but you won't get it, it's cheesy but until you feel the bond, you don't know the bond.  I miss them all greatly and they're sweet words will tide me through..

Barney dog isn't doing too great at the moment which melts my heart. Vet says he thinks he has dementia but I said it doesn't count when they're born crazy in the first place. His eye sight is going and he gets sassy about when he does and doesn't jump up for cuddles.  He's an old man now and has definitely reached new levels of needy, we now call him my shadow because he follows me everywhere, I think he knows that I know he knows that I know. So, we just know and love together.

I had loads of funny stories to tell, but my brain hasn't really functioned today at all. Everything has been done in 30-minute intervals of siting about and just being. Although I'll tell you what, who the HECK thought: "You know them popper buttons we put at the bottom of Duvet sets that are really convenient"  "Yeah Dave, they're really handy aren't they"  "Yea... SOD EM, lets put buttons back on and make every person changing their duvets painfully angry at life."  NO, no, you horrible horrible person, go away. No one likes buttons and poppers make that great sound too, taken all the sensory elements away. It's just a mess.

The title of the blog has no real meaning to my life at the moment, I just really enjoyed the phrase being the sarcastic human being that I am.  Although I have received a fair few ironic messaged that have made me think, you've taken a look a A and B and somehow got to the conclusion I was born an Iguana with 5 legs named Larry. Sod off.  If I ever had an Iguana though, I'd name it Larry, he'd be great fun.

Big shout out to anyone that's put up with my annoying life disasters as of January and a big pat on the back for those who are going to sort me out in more ways than one in February.  Also shout out to Sasha at work, (if she reads this) for making me die in the gym and walk through work like I've royally shat myself. CHEERS MATE, you're the one.

**DISCLAIMER** This hasn't been proof read and I'm tired (despite all the sleeping today) and probably makes no sense. When I remember said funny stories I will retell, just let me sleep for a little longer...

For now,

Saturday, 3 January 2015

Hugging work colleagues is single handily the most awkward experience but you can survive it.

Happy New Year!!!

Congratulations on making it this far, 2015 has snuck up on us like those calendar days do every year and we're now at the beginning of one of those "365 days to write something brilliant", do your best folks.

I have many joys in my life, but one of them is list writing and I've decided to combine this joy with my reflections and wisdom that I will be taking and applying to 2015.  This may or may not be lessons I have had to learn, usually the hard way from 2014.

1. It is never ever acceptable to grab someones hand on the tube, but it does give you warm funny feelings.
2. If you have a chance to adopt a chipmunk, do it. Every time.
3. Animals will always roll in shit even if you tell them not to.
4. Being an adult is damned expensive, don't do it. Become one of those child adults that gets away with not paying for things.
5. I still can't wrap presents and still have no artistic skill.
6. People are cool, but some people are pricks. Fish for the cool ones.
7. I still have a weird digestion system that I haven't figured out why it's permanently angry at me. (n.b. sort this out)
8. Hugging work colleagues is single handily the most awkward experience but you can survive it.
9. There is an innate love for any friend you can live with and not kill. Kudos.
10. Getting a degree means one thing and one thing only, you get a cool photo in 3 years with annoying gowns and a silly hat. DO IT!
11. People don't like it when I swear, makes me more aggressive. Apparently that's frightening..?
12. There is a distinct correlation between my habits, mannerisms and life choices and the Miranda Sitcom. Rude.
13. Mixed bean salads are dreamy.
14. Everyone needs to lighten up and say 'Yes' more.  This is a recent revelation, but an epic one.
15. Don't go to central park in NYC, you'll get shat on... TWICE!!!!!!!! (And an old man will expose himself to you.)
16. Asking your lecturer if they're "pulling on your dick", even if it's rhetorical, is not acceptable and definitely frowned upon.
17. I still don't know if fish get thirsty.
18. Intestine and stomach viruses require spare pants to be carried around at all times.
19. Game changers are everywhere and you must be prepared to be woken up by one at any point. Not literally you twit, that would involve you being permanently asleep, but you know what I mean.
20.  Some people know exactly what to say and when to say it. Some people are also wildly inappropriate.  Balance your life with both of these people.  The fun ones are great but you also need someone to keep you grounded when you decide you've made it and you're too good for roll neck jumpers etc.

I don't know a lot about everything, but I do know a lot about the part of everything that I know, people.  2014 has led me in to the paths of some utter LEGENDS and utter PILLOCKS!  I've seen people I love be insanely happy this year and others be disgustingly distraught. Depending on my own mood either of those can be painful, but either way I unfortunately don't doubt that 2015 will be filled to the brim with more love and more sadness.  That is life and it's what makes us all human, but just like the year before and the year before that - it'll soon be over and life will level. 2014 was a kick ass year for me and I don't doubt 2015 will be just as epic!

However, if there is one thing I'll be taking into 2015 with me (and probably most years for ever more) is that...

Your Mum still knows everything, even though you're a year older and wiser, she's still got all the answers.

For now,

Saturday, 20 December 2014

Comprehensive etiquette guide for Christmas.

Winter is here and with it comes the holiday season and the challenges of over excitement and over indulgence. Two of my favourite things ever, all welcomed with open arms this time of year!  I've compiled a list to help you make sure you retain the best possible etiquette for all those festive scenarios. Disclaimer: some of these may or may not be from past experience...

  • It is not acceptable at any point to ask your Grandparents directly what it was like when they were younger, they must not be rushed, they will do this of their own accord be patient and wait for the stories to flow.
  • That annoying relative that has promise they won't be there, yeah they'll turn up unannounced, be the most demanding and least appreciative. Sit next to someone that would let you have the last sausage roll.
  • Don't let people offer to bring food, everyone will feel obliged to bring something and there is just no need, you'll finally be finishing of Great Aunt Mildred's biscuits in March and swear never again.
  • When socialising with other peoples families, almost certainly don't finish the bottle of prosecco on your own, you will try to be funny and the biggest ball of tumbleweed will have to personally escort you out of the room and to the safety of the toilet.  
  • People always pretend to be really interested in what you've done with your year and will ask about your plans for 2015. You will have the exact same conversation with them next year so lie and tell them you're going to India to look after an Elephant named after you because it's an all round cool elephant and it has loads of Elephant friends. Tell them you're only taking £10 for the trip and that the Queen is paying for the rest. They will probably just nod and tell you a story of a friend who did that once and had the "best time ever, go follow you dreams kid, you're young and free"
  • Always apologise to the host when you block the toilet with Christmas dinner poo's, even if it's just to your parents.
  • Bubble and squeak is the best part of Christmas, saying 'no' to offerings it basically a Christmas crime, don't be an ungrateful little sod, accept it and eat it all.
  • Whenever someone gets you that gift that makes no logical sense, be thankful that they've even spent money on you and though of it.  Unless you're convinced it's a free gift then feel free to spike their drink with turkey juice.
  • Don't EVER volunteer to 'be in charge of the kids' an older member of the family will just automatically put you in charge of that job without your permission.
  • Unless you inhale your Christmas dinner, want to vomit then eat an extra potato all in less than 10 minutes, you haven't done Christmas properly.  Go back, start again and certainly don't collect £200. 
  • Don't break your Mums favourite gravy bowl. 
  • Don't watch the Queens speech, no one does. If you're forced by the village elders, sneak out the back for an extra shot of vodka and a double dose of Facebook scrolling.
  • Tell everyone you love them, especially the family pets who probably just think "YES IT'S THE SEASON FOR CRUMBS, CRUMBS EVERYWHERE!".
  • Never offer to help unless: someone rolls their eyes, sighs louder than usual, something smashes or the person taking everyone's drinks order faints unexpectedly. 
  • Do not vomit on yourself in public.  It's not big and it's not clever.
  • Enjoy every single second of it, even scrolling through everyone's "the boy did so well I love my Michael Kors glitter covered pile of horse shit" photos on Instagram and pictures of their dinner, which is 99.9% exactly the same as yours- apart from the cutlery,
  • If any mishaps happen, be sure to shout loudly "Christmas is ruined", the aim for this is to make someone cry.
  • Always, always, always wear your Christmas jumper and spend the whole day moaning that it's itchy.

But most importantly, be sure to enjoy it all, love all your friends and family and have a very Merry Christmas.

For now,